My husband is an alcoholic

First of all sorry for writting in English. (I read & speak Danish so, free feel to reply me in Danish)
I've run into some kind of problem with my husband for somewhile. He is Danish with good eduction background, good family and good work. I,myself, have good education background and good family as well. I'm unemploy at the moment but I'm planing to running my own business soon.
My husband's job keep him busy with travelling schedule. So, most of the time I live on my own. I manage that so far so good and I became good friends with my mother in-law and his family. We live in a big house and we have everything we need. We don't have any children as I can't have one.
About 2 years ago he became addicted to alcohol and he became very agressive. Whatever logic dicussion during the day, whatever I say or do, he will turn it to a war after a few drink. He drinks every day and that's mean we are in our domistic war every day. He often has problem while he's travelling because of his drinking habbit. His agressiveness is getting worse. He hit me 2 times. I talked to his family but I didn't tell his mom because I don't want to bother her. I don't think his family understand how seriouse it is for me. Because my husband is very smart person he talks his way out. I feel like his family like me less after I told them about my problem.
I've been thinking that maybe I did something wrong, maybe it's my mistake, maybe I'm the one to blame blah..blah..blah.. , I've try my best in my marriage. I pay for food in the house, telephone bill,my private use (clothes etc) with my small incomes from Dagspenge. (He earns 8-10 times more than me), I take care of the house. I never cheated on him. I never asked for money. I'm trying to get a job. But whatever I do it never good enough because after he drunk he throws me mean words and we end up almost every night with me sitting and crying alone.
I called for help from "minisota group" but I NEVER get any reply from them. I don't understand why.
I want to write it on here and what to hear and have some comments.
Thanks to you all.
ps.I don't want to leave him yet.

to him,no child no problems you are free to go,let him paid,find a good lorryer that should be easy 4 you.if you are married to him he had to paid you.sorry but i can,t see any problems 4 you.
best regards..Aage..

Hvis jeg kan hjælpe dig så gør jeg det gerne. Jeg har selv været igennem et alkohol helvede gennem ca 20 år men har nu ikke rørt alkohol de sidste 3 år.Måden jeg måske kan hjælpe på er ved at få en snak med dig i første omgang hvis du har lyst til det, du kan maile til mig: ebalslev@hotmail.com og derigennem få mit tlf no. Det kan du overveje om du vil, hvis ikke jeg hører fra dig så ønsker jeg dig/jer alt godt fremover her i livet. Hvor der er en vilje er der også en vej.

Hej,
Jeg skriver dansk. Først det klassiske danske spørgsmål, "hvor er du fra?"
Dette kan betyde noget for mulighederne om du er europæisk.
For det andet har jeg ofte ironiseret over at kvinder her rutinemæssigt anbefaler andre kvinder at forlade deres mand. I dit tilfælde er jeg ikke sikker på, at jeres forhold har en lang fremtid, men du må formentlig først være her i 7 år?
Du kan næppe umiddelbart motivere din mand til at søge hjælp, du må gøre noget for at bedre din situation og øge din selvrespekt. Du har to strategier, hvor den at få arbejde måske er bedst, fordi du så får flere sociale kontakter.
Sociale kontakter er nok en god ting for dig, det er vanskeligt her. Du kunne måske 'gå til noget' om aftenen, som ikke er for dyrt?
Du søger meget kontakt indenfor familien, hvad måske fungerer bedre hvor du kommer fra end her i dk.
Det er bedre at du hæver dig selv, end du søger at gøre ham til klient, også for familien. "Du må blive mere integreret", som vi siger og siger.
Håber jeg har udtrykt mig forståeligt!
f
paprik@sol.dk

www.hope.dk, also in english.

Both options can deal with english spoken people and relatives.
I had the same problem with my man, except he was the foreign and not me. I really got a lot of good advices from AA as a girlfriend.

OK, Aage. Skriv dansk, du kan tydeligvis ikke skrive engelsk så man forstår det!!! Du er altså ikke til megen hjælp!

Ærgeligt at høre det ikke går godt. Hospitalerne har et alkoholambulatorium, hvor I begge kan få behandling, så prøv at ringe til det nærmeste hospital.. Kuren går ud på at han får piller og I begge får samtaleterapi.
Et trick du kan prøve at gøre, når han drikker, det er simpelthen af gå din vej - sig til ham du ikke vil tale med ham, når han har drukket og gå ind i et rum, hvor du kan være uden ham og forlad rummet eller lås dig inde, hvis han følger efter.
Det er yderst rimeligt at slippe for at høre på hans brok.
Desuden så er det interessant at du siger han/I har penge nok. Faktisk så er det den mest velhavende del af befolkningen som drikker mest. F.eks. har Frederiksberg Danmarksrekorden i druk, selv om mange borgere der jo ellers har sådan en pæn facade.
held og lykke

Hej!
Din stakkel! Jeg kender nøjagtigt den historie. Jeg har selv været der men er nu efter en lang og ekstremt hård skilsmisse kommet ud på den anden side. Og er begyndt at leve igen. Eneste forskel er at jeg har et barn på 9 år med min eksalkoholiker og psykopat.
Selvom du ikke er parat til at forlade ham er du nødt til at tænke i den retning, hvis du da vil have dit liv igen. Kontakt det lokale lænkeambulatorie. www.laenken.dk de er fantastisk søde. Du kommer ikke nogen vejne med din mand nu, da han selv skal være indstillet på at hjælpe og ville hjælpen.
Prøv også Robin Norwoods bog "Kvinder der elsker for meget"
Du kan også få hjælp hos Alanon på linie med AA, men for medafhængige. Du skal have hjælp og støtte og hvor er det så godt at du søger råd og hjælp her.
Håber det hjælper
Knus og megen stor sympati
HULLA

He drinks, he's cheap, he's violent and his family don't like you PLUS he's made you doubt your own worth and blame yourself for his flaws. You wrote "I don't want to leave him YET".
When do you want to leave him?

Please understand my situation a bit more.
Frist of all, his family like me. But after we have problem and I told his borther about it. Seem to me that his borther belive my husband more than me. That's normal because they are family.
My husband is not cheap becuase he pays for car, house, insurance all kind of big expensese.
I don't want to leave him because I believe that he will be better and I want to help him. Leaving him is an easy way out for me. Yes I might do that if he doesn't stop drinking. I want to give him a change.

Hej,
Jeg har tænkt på at i udgør en form for socialt system, hvor du ikke kan ændre systemet, eller de andre i systemet.
Du tror på at du kan ændre en del af systemet, få din mand til at ændre sin rolle indenfor dette system. Drop det helst, for det kan du ikke.
Din mulighed ligger i at acceptere tingene, som de er, eller bestræbe dig for at gøre noget ved at ændre din rolle i dette system, - ved f.eks. at vise at du kan fungere bedre socialt, få job helst.
Du kan ikke trække dig op ved håret og blive en form for terapeut for din mand. Der er en årsag til han drikker, med andre ord.
f

Dear Wife!
I am writing again! Don't try to help him, because You can't. Give him a chance yes. Does he feel bad about his behavior when he gets sober?
Or does he keep up the good walk bringing you down when he has hangovers?
You are not suposed to be graetefull or keep up with everything from his mood, just because he pays the bills. You are married for Christ sake!!!!
Please listen to me since I have the experience from the exact same situation. Get free get yorself a life.
Hulla

... as you're a well-educated woman so get smart and secure your future financially as there's no "future" with an alcoholic. Very few alcoholic ever recover even with treatment. I've worked with alcoholics so I know. Are you willing to gamble on your future that he'll be one of those lucky few who make it? And why may I know are you paying household expenses when he earns 8-10 times more? You should save up the 'dag penge' you receive for a day when you decide you had enough. If it's difficult for you to get a job, you can start a new life (running a business like you want to) much better for yourself if you're financially independent. Tell him that from now on you're going to save your money for your business and he has to pay the household bills since he earns 8-10 times more. If he was as smart as you say, he would have secured his wealth (the 'big expenses' like car, property and insurance are really his savings, my dear naive woman!)in case of a divorce and you would end up with nothing (no real savings at all) so start using your head. I can understand why you don't want to leave him YET because you still love him senselessly (the heart's a fool sometimes as you still defend him and hope he'll change) or, as I believe is more likely the picture, you feel trapped in a land that condones violence by throwing out foreign wives who leave their violent husbands. If you still have a few years before you get your citizenship and if you can use those remaining years to help him by getting professional treatment and at the same time avoid being beaten up again so don't leave but don't stay for the wrong reasons like social status (big car, big income and big house), his family likes you (you're not married to them and they will eventually take his side anyway), your own pride (the humiliation of failure in the eyes of your family and friends), what others may think, etc. because the situation you are in, I can assure you (I have a friend in the same situation like you), will only get worse. Obedient foreign women are very attractive to control freaks and these trapped women always bring out the worse in manipulative men because these men know they have 'the law of deportation' on their side. Why ever would your husband change when he has a trophy wife who's not only a secretary (who even pays the household bills with the little income she gets!), housekeeper (who cooks, washes and keeps his house clean for nothing in return) but also a mistress (who provides sexual gratifications for free) and punch bag (someone to blame for his drinking or satisfy his need to hit his boss without getting fired) all in you? You're literally an ideal slave! Unless you are both into s/m, which I don't think you are, when mutual respect and equality are gone in a relationship, it's time to move on before you lose all your self-respect and sense of worth. As you've no children, it won't be so difficult to move on once you work out what that's really stopping you from leaving but please get professional help and don't wait until you end up as a statistic in the hospital register of foreign battered wives or, even worse, as a news item on the front page of Ekstra Bladet. Best regards. You deserve better

you should report him to the police before he kills himself or an innocent family on the road. If he was charged with drunken driving, it might help him to see his problem and seek help. You don't have to tell him of what you did.

First of all thanks to you all for every post/comment. I've read & read all of your posts more than once. It's really wake me up to reality.
I,ofcourse,am thinking about leaving him more than 1000 times but as any alcoholic wife will tell you, it isn't easy. Otherwise I won't be in this situation since the first place.
Yes, I do really love him and care about him. Sounds stupid I know and I'm working on it.
I've been living in Denmark for almost 7 years but still there are so many things about Danish laws &ect that I'm so ignorance.
Luckily enough, my husband never drive if he drunk. If he does that you can be sure that I'm going to report to the police.
I sent an e-mail to www.hope.dk today and waiting for their reply.
Once again, I thanks all of you for your sugguestions.
Wife

det var ikke helt korrekt, men det behøver det heller ikke at være. Jeg kunne sagtens forstå ham