JV jokes? kan du en?

er der nogle af jer der kan nogle gode JV, jokes?
jeg har en hel del på lager, men det vilde være spild bare, at poste dem alle på engang.
Det gode ved jokes er jo, at sandheden kommer frem idem.
joke 1.
Du er jehovas vidner hvis...
hvis Du ikke ser noget problem i at en elskene gud, der aldrig lavede et helvede. men på samme tidspunkt fortæller folk, at denne elskende gud, er ved at drabe alle ikke Jehovas vidner, som en retfærdig ting. Så er du en vehovas vidner.

Hvad er ligheden mellem JV og Thomas Helmig?
- De står begge to uden for og banker på, men ingen af dem bliver lukket ind

.............men sådan er der jo nogen der er, Altså af Vittighederne, men det er nu også nærmere en gåde tror jeg:

Er der også Børn i Vagttårnet?
........Jeg mener der er 12 ældste, og ingen må vide hvad de laver?

Okay - Indrømmet lige under Bæltestedet - altså "Vittigheden" mente jeg!

Mange Hilsner
jalmar

Der kan jo være nogle, som ikke kender Thomas Helmig, så her er den originale udgave:
Hvad er ligheden mellem Jehovas Vidner og nosserne?
Ingen af dem kommer ind

jeg har en mere så:)
hvis du tror, at det er kærlighed, at køre en tur med dine børnebørn, imens du lukker bildørene og køre fra din exJV datter. Så er du nok et Vehovas vidner.

men de har også, selv bedt om det. hvis man ikke vil ændre sin politik. til fordel for børne, og hele tiden tængker på organisationes bedste. og skider på mennesket. så kommer sådanne grove jokes jo også frem. 2 vidners reglen, lavede de om til 3 vidners reglen, når det kommet til pædofeli. har virkeligt sine sørgelige offre:(
jeg har en joke mere.
Hvis du ikke kan forestille dig at nogle kunne handle ethisk eller lave en handling af kærlighed udenfor en social controlerende organisation, så er du nok en JV.

Din vittighed var sjov. Jeg kan også et par stykker, men jeg fortæller dem kun til folk med sans for humor.
Venlig hilsen, ftg.

Hej Sveland,
fint nok at du punker på Jehovas Vidner, men dem du kommer med er altså ikke sjove. De mangler noget som Helmig-joken har, for den er sjov.
Det kan være man skal kende miljøet for at se pointen, men jeg synes dine jokes mangler humor.
Nå, nu har jeg kritiseret, så må jeg hellere prøve at gøre det bedre :
-Hvad får man hvis et Jehovas Vidne får sit program udskiftet af satanister?
-En der går fra dør til dør og insisterer på at folk skal gå ad helvede til !
Og lige et par festlige links :
www.capri.dk/jokes/jehova.htm
http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/j/directory_j.html

du har nok ret i at mine jokes ikke er sjove:(
og den her er sikkert heller ikke særlig sjov:(
Hvis du tror at 1799 var starten på den sigste dag. og 1874 var der hvor jesus kom tilbage og i 1914 er konklusionen på dommedag. så må du vare en meget gammel udstøt JV.
hvad med den her?
Hvad hedder Jehovas Vidner på kinesisk?
Ding dong..

nej, den var heller ikke helt sjov. Prøv at skrive dem om istedet til fx :
Hvis du tror at 1799 var starten på den sigste dag. og 1874 var der hvor jesus kom tilbage og i 1914 er konklusionen på dommedag - så går dit ur nok liiiige en anelse for langsomt !
Jeg er heller ikke så god til det - men nettet er heldigvis rigt.

det er verden af viden. men det sværeste er at sortere i det. og man bliver hurtig, til at lære at skimme:)
Hvervekampagne
En folkekirkepræst, en scientolog og en fra Jehovas Vidner aftaler hver især at stemme dørklokker i byen og så bagefter sammenligne deres resultater.
Scientologen er meget opstemt: "Jeg fik syv til at melde sig ind i Scientology!"
Vidnet nikker anerkendende: "Jeg fik otte til at slutte sig til Jehovas Vidner."
Folkekirkepræsten smiler: "Jeg slap af med 15 af vores værste ballademagere."

Denne historie er om fundamentalisme generelt, men den passe også særdeles godt til JV.

Kissing Hank's Ass
by Rev. Jim Huber, Heretic

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shakedown?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.' "
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
From the desk of: KARL
1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic. That's no different from saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking!"
Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary looks positively stricken.
John: (yelling) "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la la la la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary faints.
John: "Well, if I knew you where one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

En lille dreng kommer trækkende med sin trækvogn forbi Rigssalen. I vognen sidder et kuld små hundehvalpe.
Tilfældigvis står JV's kredsformand foran Rigssalen og ser det aparte syn. Så han spørger drengen, hvad det er for nogle hvalpe han kører rundt med.
"Det er Jehovas Vidner hvalpe", svarer drengen.
Kredsformanden ler lidt for sig selv, men tænker ikke nærmere over episoden. Men om søndagen, da han står sammen med de lokale ældster, ser han drengen komme trækkende afsted med hvalpene igen.
"Prøv lige at se her", siger han til ældsterne, og går hen og snakker med drengen om hvalpene igen.
"Hvad er det nu det er for nogle hvalpe?" spørger han igen drengen.
"Det er labrador hvalpe", svarer drengen omgående.
"Men den anden dag synes jeg du sagde, at det var Jehovas Vidne hvalpe", siger kredsformanden undrende.
"Ja", siger drengen, "men dengang kunne de jo heller ikke se"........
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Et par køber en papegøje hos dyrehandleren. Men snart står det klart, at denne papegøje tidligere har boet hos nogle Jehovas Vidner, for den taler hele tiden JV sprog.
"Forkynd Jehova's pris", "I 1914 vendte Jesus usynligt tilbage", osv snakkede den dagen lang. Nu var det ikke et specielt snerpet par, men de synes det blev for meget med al den JV snak i deres hjem. Men uanset hvad de prøvede hjalp det ikke - de kunne ikke få kræet til at snakke om andet end Vagttårnet....
En dag blev det den ellers stille og rolige mand for meget.
"Hvis du ikke holder kæft med dit 1914 fis nu, kyler jeg dig ind i væggen!"
"Jehovas sande tjenere er alle dage blevet forfulgt, ROARK", svarer papegøjen igen.
Så vores kære mand mistede besindelse, og kylede papegøjen ind i væggen. Den gled langsomt ned, med en blodsstribe trækkende efter sig.
Manden fortrød naturligvis sin ugerning, og gik hen for at samle papegøjen op igen. Men da han nærmede sig, begyndte papegøjen at råbe:
"Ingen blod, ingen blod"!

Det værste er, at det jo er sandheden.....