Microsoft Marketing
\\\\TOP SECRET!!! SOURCE-CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!
\\\\Look what we\'ve intercepted from Microsoft after a week
\\\\of hard hacking their computersystem:
\\\\ Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ready;
say(\"It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(\"It will be ready in\", today+30_days,\" we\'re just testing\");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(\"Yes it will work\");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(\"It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to\"
\" the 32 bits architecture\");
inform(INTEL, \"Pentium sales will rise skyhigh\");
inform(SAMSUNG, \"Start a new memorychip plant\"
\"\'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs\");
inform(QUANTUM, \"Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple\");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(\"Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone\");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ready)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, \"write a nice objective article\");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(\"It will be ready in\",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(\"that is a hardware problem, not a software problem\");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, \"Keep an eye on this bastard\");
}
}
if (other_company_gets_smart_idea)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(\"It is not a bugfix but a new version\");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We\'ll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
void interrupt extreme_condition()
{
if (critical_exeption_has_not_occured_in_10_mins)
{
make_party();
inform(computer_magazines, newspapers, \"No bugs in Microsoft products!\");
money_reserved_to_bills_account += 10*megabucks
money_used_for_bug_fix -= 10*megabucks;
}
}
long double secret_procedure() \\\\Called frequently
{
while !police_begin_to_suspect_rotten_buisness
{
hire(hacker);
order(hacker, hack_into_bills_bank);
order(hacker, raise_bills_account, a_lot);
report_police(hacker, destroyed_microsoft_computer_system);
get_big_fat_reward_from_police(having_catched_hacker);
get_even_bigger_fatter_insurance_income(little_soon_to_be_bankrupt_insurance_company);
change(insurance_company);
}
return money_earned
}
\\\\Look what we\'ve intercepted from Microsoft after a week
\\\\of hard hacking their computersystem:
\\\\ Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ready;
say(\"It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(\"It will be ready in\", today+30_days,\" we\'re just testing\");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(\"Yes it will work\");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(\"It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to\"
\" the 32 bits architecture\");
inform(INTEL, \"Pentium sales will rise skyhigh\");
inform(SAMSUNG, \"Start a new memorychip plant\"
\"\'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs\");
inform(QUANTUM, \"Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple\");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(\"Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone\");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ready)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, \"write a nice objective article\");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(\"It will be ready in\",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(\"that is a hardware problem, not a software problem\");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, \"Keep an eye on this bastard\");
}
}
if (other_company_gets_smart_idea)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(\"It is not a bugfix but a new version\");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We\'ll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
void interrupt extreme_condition()
{
if (critical_exeption_has_not_occured_in_10_mins)
{
make_party();
inform(computer_magazines, newspapers, \"No bugs in Microsoft products!\");
money_reserved_to_bills_account += 10*megabucks
money_used_for_bug_fix -= 10*megabucks;
}
}
long double secret_procedure() \\\\Called frequently
{
while !police_begin_to_suspect_rotten_buisness
{
hire(hacker);
order(hacker, hack_into_bills_bank);
order(hacker, raise_bills_account, a_lot);
report_police(hacker, destroyed_microsoft_computer_system);
get_big_fat_reward_from_police(having_catched_hacker);
get_even_bigger_fatter_insurance_income(little_soon_to_be_bankrupt_insurance_company);
change(insurance_company);
}
return money_earned
}